Midweek Suburban Parties Are. So. Not. For. Me.

Lord help me, the UBFF is getting hitched!

Months of successful avoidance resulted in one of the most sacred of BFF activities - a Partylite candle party. I arrived late with the hopes that I would find an inconspicuous corner to perch at. But from the greeting at the hallway, to the fawning over pouring me a glass of wine, I knew there was no escape. I would have to play along.

"Oh you haven't seen my ring yet! Isn't it gorgeous?"
"It's beautiful. He did a good job."
"Yes, it's two carats! There's even a diamond underneath my big diamond!"
"Lovely!"

Yes, the ring is two carats TOTAL WEIGHT. The rock itself is a modest .6-.7 of a carat. I'm Flip, these things are intrinsic. (and of the utmost importance when reporting back to other friends who have sent me to the Lion's Den, right Rupinder?)

Her co-workers, gym instructor (who she claims will whittle her down to a size 8-10), neighbors, neighbor's annoying drunk sister, volleyball friends (that's where I was one of two) and some random lady (who promptly responded that she should go more for a 10-12 and not an 8-10 since it will be next to impossible coming from the size 14 that she is now) were in attendance.

As candle parties go, hers was a successful one with $800 in sales. I know what you're thinking. Jesus, all that money for candles that will get burnt? Why not appropriate it for starving children instead? I spent because it's the politics of friendship. The neighbors spent because they we're keeping up with the Joneses. The co-workers spent because they had never been to a Partylite party before. Diplomats. Competitors. Virgins.

The invitation said 6:30 - 10pm and by golly, she meant to have me stay until the end. Once the room started clearing up, the bridal magazines came out.

"Are you free on November 10th?"
"Ah sorry, it's the Tsu-man's birthday"
"Damn! There is a trunk show in La Conner that day!"
"Oh maybe K can go with you?"
"Yeah, but I want you there. We have to go to the Demetrios shop in Bellevue. I need to order my dress now if we're having the wedding in April!"
"Yeah, dresses take months. So you've set the date? I just wanted to let you know that we're thinking of going to China next year, possibly around that time."
"Okay but don't go in April. Come to Costa Rica instead. If not there, then the Carribean."
"I'll have to check."
"December first! Let's go then! We can go to Elaine's first and then Demetrios in the afternoon. And we can go to PF Chang's for lunch!" (Size 8-10, riiiight.)

The Neighbor's Annoying Drunk Sister pipes up with, "Have you found a dress? You should try all the styles because I guarantee! I GUARANTEE YOU! YOU WILL WANT A DRESS THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT WHEN YOU WALKED IN THAT STORE! EVERYBODY DOES THAT!"

And that was when I had enough. "No, not me. I walked in there knowing I wanted a mermaid cut dress and I got me a mermaid cut dress."
NADS (quite the fitting nickname as I seriously wanted to kick her like I would kick a man in the crotch) goes, "Well, did you have fun at your wedding? Cause when I tried a mermaid dress on, I felt like my knees were pasted together."
"You bet I did and I wore my mermaid dress the whole night!"
"Well my husband would never have gone for it. When he walks, I have to keep up."

And this is why your stay at home, new mom self is sloshed out of your mind at a fucking candle party on a Tuesday evening. Go tell your overbearing husband off and then get a life!

Lord help me, the UBFF is getting hitched - and these are the kind of people invited!