If corporate emails are indeed monitored

my inbox probably gives the omnipotent IT geek in Chicago more than his daily serving of laughs.

MINI-HAG: Please tell me that you had a great wknd, b/c after the wknd I had, someone s/h have a good one....
First of All, my son had his surgery on Friday, which was supposed to be at 12:45, but eneded up being @ 2:15 that they actually took him back and it was @ 4:00 before he came out of surgery and another 1/2 an hour before I could take him home. That made a long day. I worked here from 7-1:30 on Saturday and got home to find that someone had gone through some of my things, like my clothes and make-up, etc., so I ended up moving out of my roommates' place in Everson, and back into my parent's house....which basically confines me to their garage until I find someplace else. Then, to top off the enitre wknd, my 4-rnr was repo'd on sunday and I now have to walk everywhere until I replace my vehicle. When it rains it pours!
Anyway, I don't think it would be too dificult to have a more enjoyable wknd than me!

MOI: I wonder if this unsolicited email came my way because I missed her verbal 'update' by coming in late this morning? I mean, I wouldn't wish that much trouble on anyone but really... they don't pay me enough to be her shrink. Hot Fried Christ On A Stick! As if the BFF wasn't enough to deal with...

Maybe I should be like…Oh I started out my weekend by shooting up some crack and working the street in East Van. Then on Saturday I had to dump a body on the Fraser river and on Sunday, I torched a car so they couldn't trace the murder back to me!

SANE COLLEAGUE: wow. I didn't get that kind of update. You're the lucky one. I don't get it. You've been professional and not unfriendly, but not BFF friendly, and look what happened. I feel sorry for you.

SHARK: And then you got in a fight with your pimp because he was giving up the bizz to go back to repossessing cars. He offered you a nice 4 runner as consolation but nothing will replace the lost income from hooking. Said torched car was in fact the 4 runner that he gave you.

MOI: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh Sharky, I'm laughing so much I'm crying.

TSU-MAN: does she send that dribble to anyone else? Or just you? That's messed up - her life AND her sending that to you. Yeah, I too would like to see the look on her face if you actually sent that. I wouldn't respond though - I mean, what the hell are you supposed to say? Does Liz know? She's worse WAY worse than BFF I think...

RUPINDER: After reading that sob story (pile of crap) I’m crying so much I’m laughing. :*)
Makes me wonder what you’re doing to these poor women (including BFF) to make them like you so much? And after all this time, they haven’t figured out you’re not looking for any more female friends? Maybe you should erase the sign on your forehead that says “I want more female friends”.

Dealing with the Hag and her crazy Mini-Me is proving to be challenging and entertaining at the same time. I think I will have to double up on the bitch-factor and adopt a perma-sneer. Really women, don't come to me for sympathy. I'm not that kind of girl.

BFFs need not apply

Happy Birthday Markdon! Come back from Korea already so we can indulge in some heavy drinking, poker and RBs. Oh wait. Railing bitches is not my thing. Maybe just heavy drinking and poker? We can start with the beer you left in my fridge.

Mondays suck in general. Mondays suck even more when the first exchange of the day is as follows:

BFF2: Help! Am meeting his ex. In dire need of wardrobe choices.
MOI: Yawn.
BFF2: Mani-pedi afternoon?
MOI: HISS….
BFF2: Tag-along, then?
MOI: Sign me up for a bikini wax.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I find pouring hot wax down my thigh and getting the short and curlies ripped off preferable to hanging out with certain kinds of women. Maybe it’s because I already had my girl time this weekend. Femming up is best done alone, in my opinion. Case in point, this weekend’s mall time successfully resulted in some new M.A.C. electric blue shadow and autobody red gloss, ironically from the Barbie collection. I’ve also revived the glam goth look I loved so much in college and donned my tips and toes in dark purple. (Needless to say, Garbage is at the top of my playlist again.) But doing these things with gasp…another woman?!?! Girl, you be triflin’!

Don’t get me wrong. I have wonderful, female friends.(Version 2.0!) It’s just that they aren’t needy or trivial. I have a lot of fun hanging out with them or at dance or volleyball. I even watch the quintessential girly soap, Grey’s Anatomy, with a lovely bunch of women who have over active tear ducts. But you won’t see me setting my hair on fire after a night in with them. Seriously.

I just find it painful to have to invest time in the above-mentioned plans when go-kart racing, Wii-ing (ROB!), and discussing the pros and cons of Congress proposing an Air Traveler’s Bill of Rights await me. (Stimulate my intellect and I will love you forever!) Drinks with the boys means incessant bitching is non-existent and there is no hair to hold back when they yak. Why then, are we expected to stick with our own gender when it comes to choosing friends? I’m not buying it. I feel like I got the shoddy end if this deal.

Maybe the question I really should be asking myself is, “How do I get rid of BFF number 2?”

Sometimes I think justifiable homicide might be the only way out of this.

No, I am not suicidal. Yes, I have my murderous tendencies in check. These usually apply to a select few anyway. The past couple weeks have been a bit on the tough side for me. Family drama. People drama. Work drama. Been feeling like caca for a bit now but I've recovered from that after popping a couple pills. Actually, life is much better than I'm making it out to be especially with friends and loved ones. It's just that the recent barrage of royal fuck ups (yes, mine included) have resulted into sensory overload of my usual staid facade. I've promised myself this is the last time I'm bringing it up before moving on.

Laundry list of things to work on:
Leave Mom & Dad and the Madrasta to sort out their own shit.
Accept the fact that I don't have to play mediator for my family.
Exercise restraint when it comes to the Hag and her minions while attempting to reach hmmm.. 40% productivity.
Take Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff" out of my playlist!
Avoid so-called friends like the plague so as not to get into any trouble with the law.
Text message less. Talk on the phone more. Actually say what I fucking mean when I am on the damn phone.

No retail therapy or running away necessary. Ok, maybe just some sushi and wine (in controlled amounts). We are partying on, mofos!

It must have been the new shoes.

Last night I blocked this big Samoan badass at volleyball. It was gloriously FANTASTIC! You know when you savor a moment and you see everyone around you move in slow motion and go deaf for a few seconds? I was just dumbfounded! He was atleast 6'4" and upwards of 290 lbs. All his buddies were teasing him because I was the only girl playing on my team and he gets blocked by ME! hahahaha!!! Lemme tell ya, he was quite cautious with the hitting after that capping! He was a friendly guy though so he didn't pick on me the rest of the night. He also shook my hand and said, "Nice block." and I replied with, "That was kinda scary!" Anyway, it was awesome! I was kinda crazy to go against him up at the net. I'm glad I didn't break a finger (or a hand). Well worth the price of six ibuprofens and not wearing heels today!
Oh yeah, the new shoes are Air Max 90s. Black + silver = fabulous. Love 'em like a fat kid loves cake.

Who the fuck walks into a door?

Apparently this is easy to do while in a drunken stupor! Saturday night was a Going Away and Birthday pub crawl with a bunch of friends. The door incident happened at pub #6 (of 10). This just goes to show I could never bat for the other team as I simply cannot navigate my way into THE BEAVER. It stung for about 5 minutes. Then I must have gotten distracted by the Red Headed Slut shots and throwing popcorn at Sharky because I forgot about it. Until this morning, that is. I went to put my glasses on and was in pain. There is a bruise right where the nosepad of my glasses sit. Ouch! Closer inspection shows only minimal swelling. DAMN! I was hoping it would be my first black eye. That would have been the perfect way to cap off one hilariously enjoyable evening with the gang. But a brick through a bar window, some ultra-spicy peirogies at 2am and a hot foot soak (absolutely essential after a night of dancing in heels!) is about on par.

This bruise was from a different incident but I thought this picture was pretty fucking hilarious! ~Max

I was "sie gweilo" for a day.

We went with a bunch of friends to dim sum in Vancouver yesterday and we got the royal Gweilo treatment. First, we got seated at the back corner of the restaurant - next to the bathroom and the waiter's prep station. This wouldn't have mattered much except that at dim sum, it is best to have a table in the middle of the restaurant, the high-traffic area. You want to have a line-up of food carts coming by your way instead of having to wait 15 minutes for the next cart. We also had to ask for soy and chili sauce instead of having it on the table. When they did bring it out, it was one little dish for all six of us to share. Nobody came to take drink orders and when we asked for water and extra napkins, the waiters would disappear for a long time before coming back emptyhanded. The bathrooms were in appalling condition. The table had sheets of plastic for tablecloths. Oh, but what I wouldn't give for har gow and nor mai gai again... I love authentic Chinese cuisine but I hate having to sacrifice service, atmosphere and (let's hope this last one is all in my head) hygiene for it.

Holy Shit!

I didn't realize I've gone for more than a year without posting anything until today. So here's a quick, shot-gun approach to keeping everyone updated.

1.) Got married - finally made the leap on 5/12/06 and am loving it. Pics should be up at Ive's website as soon as I get my butt moving on uploading them.
2.) Have found my alcohol tolerance - ok, maybe even borderline AA-worthy.
3.) Still hating le job - it's worse now that I've got a hag to report to. Seriously, may pagka-aswang gid ya!
4.) Road Warrior - Still travelling for work - this is pretty much why I've stuck around.. and the pay I guess.
5.) V-ball junkie - I downsized from 4 nights to 2 nights (and the random Friday afternoons) a week. I think it was the heel spur and the torn ac joint that did me in. Going to PT for it and will be roaring to go come summer.
6.) Am headed to Montreal - PQ, here I come! Ive's visa interview will be at the US Consulate in Montreal and so we are planning on a fun trip around the time we have to make an appearance.
7.) Turnover - Got rid of some so-called friends. Haven't looked back since!

Life has been busy and weekends are fun. Hope all is well with everyone! Ta ta for now.